Self Help - Why me?

A guide for people who keep getting hurt or used by others.

If you feel that you are unlovable, unworthy or that you have caused people in your life to hurt you then this advice is for you.

What Can Go Wrong?

People who have been badly let down by those close to them can end up believing that it must be their fault that things have gone wrong. Anyone with any sensitivity would question themselves in this way.

However, sometimes people want to blame others and make them feel that any difficulties are all their fault. A husband might blame his wife for causing him to go off and have an affair, or tell her that if she was more loving then he wouldn’t lose his temper and hit her.

“He said I was fat and ugly and no good in bed so I really tried to please him. I lost a lot of weight and did all sorts of things that he wanted to do sexually, like watching videos and letting him try different positions. But he still treated me very badly; calling me awful names and treating me like dirt. Although I told him to stop he didn’t and because I believed it was all my fault it took me a long time to realise what he was doing was wrong. He was actually raping me.”

Barefaced lies and denials can make people question their own judgment. Similarly, being told you are jealous, paranoid or a crazy can be used to achieve the same effect. Alternatively, tearful apologies are often accepted but may be followed by no lasting change in the person’s behaviour.

”My husband used to come in drunk and beat me up. The next day he would often be in tears telling me how sorry he was and promising never to do it again. I believed him but he kept on doing it.”

If you are too trusting or tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, then there is danger that you will fall for these ploys. The danger is two-fold. Firstly, if you start believing that it is all your fault then the other person may actually think that they are right and keep on manipulating you. Secondly, you will ultimately wear your self out if you try harder to please someone who is basically abusing you. If this happens you may find yourself becoming irritable, withdrawn, depressed or anxious, any of which can then be thrown back at you by someone determined to convince you that everything is your fault.

Why Do Things Go Wrong?

Most relationships do not begin with abuse. If they did people would tend to spot what was going on earlier and bring them more swiftly to an end. Abusive relationships usually begin with trust being established, often up to the point when a degree of commitment has been gained.

“I thought he was wonderful, he was always telling me how much he loved me and buying me presents. Then the day we got married it all changed, it was as if he were a different person. Indeed, he was so nasty to me I automatically assumed I must have done something terribly wrong.”

There are many reasons why relationships can go wrong. Basically, if someone is going to bully or abuse another person then they are going to tend to pick on someone who is trusting and sensitive rather than someone who is assertive or bossy.

In our culture, men have traditionally dealt with their feelings differently from women. Under pressure they can end up resorting to abusive and avoidant behaviours such as getting drunk and being violent. It is largely for this reason that women are more prone to self-doubt and depression. So typically, but not always, it is women who end up on the receiving end in an abusive relationship.

The Vicious Circle

When you have been hurt or let down you may become wary of relationships and at the same time hope, even more than before, that the right person is out there for you somewhere. Unfortunately, this is precisely when you may be at your most vulnerable. A few comforting words, a shoulder to snuggle into and before you realise, you could easily have put your trust into someone who may be charming on the surface but terrible underneath it all.

What Can I Do About It?

The fact that you're reading this leaflet is a start and you'll find more information on the next page that might be of further help. You may also find it helpful to talk to someone who is not directly involved, such as a counsellor or therapist. If you are female and trapped in a relationship there is always help at hand. Any Social Services department will put you in touch with a “Women’s Refuge”.

Regaining Trust And Confidence

Trusting someone else is not easy. You have probably found that out the hard way.

The thing about trust is that it has to be earned. It is unreasonable to feel you must trust someone simply because they tell you to. Anyone can be nice and say that they love you. It proves nothing. Holiday romances are often like this. Intense and passionate but with no responsibilities or commitments it is all too easy for someone to string you along and then dump you.

In fact you will not really know if you can trust someone until they let you down. Sounds odd but it is true. It is only once you have been let down that you discover how the other person deals with things. A person that you can trust will not only show concern and remorse but will also change their behaviour to make sure that they do not let you down again.